Lived Experience Forum

[Jynx]

@Powderfinger  fair enough. You know yourself best. 

For anyone reading along, anger is a tough emotion to sit with, and you don't have to sit with it alone.  We always encourage folks to reach out to talk things through if they need to. 

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

[Corny]

It's completely normal to feel rage @Powderfinger don't let anyone shame you into it for CSA. Its hard to put that sort of soul death into words; because there are no words. I took up running when the worst of my rage surfaced. I had some injuries and a dark depression, but hope to get back into it. Could you get a punching bag and boxing gloves? I really want one but don't have the space. 

Totally hear you on the frustrations of the justice system and Australian society. There is no justice. You can get out of prison for murder in 25 years in NSW. Violent sexual assault Pffff maybe 18 months per victim.....Australians are so apathetic it irritates me too P. They say they have strong feelings about societal problems but they don't do anything about it. You see march's over in Spain, USA and France, they are amazing, they havn't given up on holding governments to account and demanding better outcomes. 

You're in a tornado of emotions right now, it takes so much strength to weather it, the relationship breakdown is very fresh and if she is trying to reel you back in that makes you vulnerable. 

It's lovely hearing the rain on the roof this morning P. I hope we get some more. I love spring and summer but not so keen for the >40c days......they broke a record in Sicily I think it was this summer reaching 48 or 49......that is horrific. And we haven't built our houses in Australia for Australian conditions, they are so energy inefficient that we waste a lot of resources. They've been lots of bushfires in the northern hemisphere and record droughts. The Amazon Rainforest is really suffering and the lunatic Bolsonaro doesn't care.....wouldn't be surprised if the next deadly Covid variant comes out of Brazil, Bolsonaro has been lying about cases and doesn't track it. 

Here's a little friend for your lap,

https://twitter.com/favcorgi_usa/status/1433415261223219210 

Corny

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

The worst of this is no one can see or understand what's going on inside of me. I've succumbed to a very deep depression. Started yesterday. I can't even speak now. It's all just too much. I just want to sleep the days away. I have no desire to be up and about doing anything. I don't want to talk to my housemate, one friend or anyone else. They have their good life. No real struggles. Why don't they donate some of their time doing some research on what I'm going through so they can support me better, make some calls. There is no excuse cause there is lots of info. 

I'm not even interested in giving them the heads up about it. If I was in a position to, I would just go away and come back when I am ready. No word, just a note and leave. 

Yeah given up on Australia. Truly given up. It's a lost cause. I can't say it was even a relationship breakdown. There was no relationship. There is no relationship with a narcissistic sociopath. You don't exist. You are simply an object. The only narcissistic wounding she has is that I ended the relationship and left her and the fact that I pointed all of her crap out, withdrew from her, exposed her lies and removed myself when she refused to take responsibility. All things a narcissist goes nuts over. Oh well. 

I've blocked her in every which way available and changed my phone number plus listed it as silent. I've got security cameras at my house and she knows it. She won't come near me, she can't get in touch with me and if she tried reeling me back in, she better think twice about attempting. I'm not interested in her and I have no love for her at all. 

I can't work, I can't focus, I can't think. Financially it's causing hardship for me. Just to put the by in further. On top of all this, the childhood and unspeakable things that happened. Nobody did anything about it. 

People have been ravaging the earth forever. I just don't care anymore. No fight left and I cannot see nor feel. Don't want to see or feel. Just too tired now. 

PF

[Corny]

I understand @Powderfinger and depression can come on very quickly when there's been a lot of childhood neglect and you've been left for dead by those that should have protected you. I can be travelling along OK, but can feel a direct wire from my heart to my brain click and the sinkhole of depression opens up and I fall in. I feel this if I spend too much time at Mum's unit, and with my auntie at the moment because she is very obviously feeling a lot of guilt and regret about my CSA.....I am trying to titrate the triggering conversations as best as I can.

Would you ever consider a mental health admission to a ward? You have to be careful with depression, it changes your thoughts and it can become very dark very quickly. I am sorry that your flatmate isn't taking an active interest in what you are going through. I had no fight left in me either this year, just completely empty. You may have to put some things on hold or reduce your hours at work if possible. 

Your ex sounds like an ugly person and that there was close to zero intimacy. She probably isn't capable of true intimacy and is just out for herself. There's an article in the ABC this morning about people faking being a doctor! I can't help but LOL. People fake cancer, fake MI, fake abuse.....its unbelievable. You deserve financial independence and your own secuirty in life. That isn't greedy or selfish, it is realistic. I wouldn't be surprised if you were the earner and she just sat on her butt yelling demands from the lounge......its cooler in Sydney today. My sib would like me to go out to Mums unit today & maybe the cemetery. We are allowed in on compassionate grounds. Very conflicting and complex emotions for me......but we will get through it P. Corny 

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

People that have early childhood trauma from various forms of abuse from the people that bought them into the world have such individual journeys. We can understand the pain and trauma of others who had the rough road, try provide some healing to others through our own journey, ultimately though it is up to the individual to get through. I'm not a believer in tried, true and tested methods of healing from trauma. 

I cut off the male idiot out of my life around 30. Still trying to heal from the ass...le. I cut the female harbinger of hatred from my life in December 2019. Automatic loss of my only younger sister and my niece at the same time. I can't find the words for the pain in me. Each one of us decides whether or not to keep these people in our lives. No wrong or right. Needs to be our own choice. 

No, I will not consider an admission. Been there done that, so much trauma there too. Will never go there again. It caused much more harm than good and it won't be any different the next time. 

I got diagnosed with depression early twenties, I'm now 42. I believe I'm a walking encyclopaedia regarding it now. Well I just have to remember he is doing the best he can. He does care. That is about as far as I've gotten with that. Everything is on hold, including my work. I work for myself so nobody to answer to except myself. 

The thing called an ex was just all about sex. She didn't know what intimacy was on any level. No surprises there really. The thing will never be able to experience it, feel it or give it. I do regret being sexually intimate with her. Dirty really. Unfortunately people do fake many things. Flakes and fakes. It's actually quite scary that narcissism is rife around the globe. 

My life currently on every level is in its own ruins on every level. I'm pretty tired of re building. I do know that I'm rebuilding from a very different place in me now. Yes, some days I don't want to be alive. I wish people would just stop trying to save me. It angers me deeply. It angers me when they try turn a perceived negative into a positive. I just usually stop talking, get up and walk away. They have no insight at all into what it means to heal or hold a space for anyone. 

The thing was scarily money orientated. If I had continued on, that scenario would have happened. I know. One day she said to me when I was talking about work, "well it better make enough money as there are kids to support". I sat there in shock. I didn't even say anything cause I was in shock. Now, I see it for what it was, while I'm putting the puzzle together. I also saw she had done a couple of fundraisers in the past on social media. Being a past Investigative Journalist, I knew she was scamming people through these fundraisers. She currently has one, I've got the form to report it to  so it gets pulled down. I will go through with it. Not for revenge. Simply because she is doing wrong. I still don't know where she is getting all the money she has at her disposal. Who knows? I'm not making an effort to find out and waste my time and energy. If some info comes my way, I will decide what to do with it at the time. I'm not looking though. Got to be discerning in why the info has come to you in the first place. 

I am nowhere near any sort of healing or peace. I do see it now for what it is and what she is. The one illusion that she us now living a happy life, with a new man, beautiful home and is having the time of her life has been broken. The thing will never know what happiness is. Not that I wish that, it's just truth. She can never be happy nor have a good life. I've not only left her and said my goodbyes, she just doesn't have a place in my world anymore and I care not for what happens to her. She will always be a narcissistic sociopath. 

This song is perfect for me right now. 

https://youtu.be/HbVKmSQqELY 

PF

[Powderfinger]

@Corny @Jynx 

Corny, it says you mentioned me about 15 mins ago however it is not coming up. I will restart my phone and see if it works. 

PF

[Powderfinger]

@Jynx 

@Corny  reply to my last post is not appearing. Can you look into it. Thanks. 

[Corny]

Yeah I think my post was placed on the death star P......maybe have given a few to many identifiers away.....I do go to the death star a bit

Anyway I was just saying that your ex is a master manipulator guilting you into being the provider for her children and that I hope that you get justice in the financial settlement and repayment for what you are owed. How offensive she is to her kids! Really tells them what they mean to her. Everyone in her life is a function. Scamming people in a fundraiser and living in a big house.....she is a user and an ugly person. You say that people can't tell, I am sure many would be able to see straight through her

I think that it is understandable that you don't want to go to hospital if it has been a really bad experience, I just hope that you have professional supports around you if SI creeps in. 

It's natural to feel hollow and empty after domestic violence.....you feel so small and humiliated.  I understand having to cut ties at times with family for your own health and safety, for me it was a matter of life and death.....

You're right people can't be with strong emotion or any emotion really. One of my favourites is when someone says, "everything happens for a reason".......what reason!! Irritates me no end, they are so dumb. 

I hope that the financial settlement can happen quick P and you can move on with your life. If she delays it and it goes to court I hope the judge penalises her financially. Corny 

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

I never provided for her children at any point. It was not my responsibility to provide for them. That was and is her mother and father's job. Her youngest will end up just like her mother. She already is. She is not just a spoilt brat, well on her way to becoming the younger version of her mother. She made it clear she taught her that way. Another abused child via a narcissist. All three are abused in their own ways. However she made it that way. Ultimately she will end up destroying herself all by herself and I don't care. 

I don't need nor want financial compensation. In my opinion I deserve to be, however I know better. I'm not putting myself through that hell for money. I'll make my own and probably more than she could ever compensate me with anyway. No amount of money would ever be enough. No, I'll just allow her to slowly destroy herself. I have no interest in saving her kids. 

As for the fundraiser online, I've done a lengthy report. It's being investigated. I'm leaving it there. It's their choice either way. The damage she will cause is not my responsibility to stop. I did my part. Not my problem if people will not listen. 

The only way to heal my mind is psychologically. No need to heal my heart, she never loved me at all. She is evil. To tell me that the devil is her brother and that she made a promise to God that she us bound to him and will bring him home, is first if all complete insanity that she does fully believe and the fact that she knew I was in a religious cult as a child is sickening beyond belief. She needs to be locked up. No one would believe it really. Thankfully I have that part in a text message if anyone is to doubt I am telling a lie. 

I don't even ask God to have mercy on her soul. Not my job. 

PF

[Corny]

I think that it says a lot about who you are as a person @Powderfinger that she/and her behaviour repulses you. 

If she didn't repulse you, had no friends, had burnt every bridge around her, no one liked her and yet you stayed and said how much you loved her despite not being trapped and having the resources to leave.......I don't care how 'nice' you would seem when out in the world & interacting with others, that would raise a lot of questions for me, and not nice ones.

My guess would be that you were the same, in very specific ways, and I don't mean just having the same values, more that your ego works the same, especially when under ego threat. That you were actually way way way more similar to one another than outward appearances project. People with childhoods like mine blow their cover, they think they are charming and 'nothing like them'....bull*hit.

Or even in same sex relationships with melded families like the one you were in as a step-parent where there is violence and abuse, and they turn around and say, "I can't leave because of the children". Ask the children!! Take it from a women of childhood DV, kids beg you to leave, cry, scream and pack your bags and go to the police for you, begging you to get out.......it is not socially acceptable for people to admit this, but a lot of women (my mother included) love their husband/same sex partner, more than the children. That has nothing to do with my mother's mental illness, there are a lot of women out there like this. They claim to be worried about the children. They are worried about themselves! AND they love an ugly, abusive person that has damaged a lot of people.....what does that say about them. Not popular opinion, but true. Not everyone is trapped. That is rubbish, they are just manipulating popular cultural and social cliches to look like a good person when they are not. 

You are a good person P.

Similarily to the early signs of a head cold coming on when you can feel the tingling in your throat and the beginnings of a runny nose, I can feel my depression creeping back in and have to take some time out from the forums, I have to work through the complexities of my relationship with my late Mum as like you, I really really do not want a hospital admission again, but I wish you well, and some peace in your life, you can do it, Corny