Lived Experience Forum

[1bananaatatime]

Does anyone else feel like they aren't living?

That their life is a conglomerate of struggles through mental health and figuring out what you have actually done and enjoyed is so hard because all you see is the struggle?

I often look at photos and in every one I can see the ackwardness I felt, how I was struggling that day, what mood I was in, how much energy I had, whether I was faking it for others.

I have this photo of me at my one of my lowest and I had literally given up, I was not caring, I was not participating, I was actively letting the world go by without me because I was too tired to participate. The photo makes me feel calm, I feel beautiful in it. It is the life I don't lead.

I look back on my life and I only see the struggle and the aloneness of inner turmoil.

I can only think that I haven't really lived. I don't need to be jealous of others living this amazing life, supported, enjoying it, sharing it with others. I have never had that chance. I don't have a dream other than to be without the mental struggle. And although I have read that meaningful struggle is life. I do not see this struggle as meaningful. I do not see it as building strength. I only see it as taking away from the ability to live. And I am not getting better, I am the same as I've always been, consumed to the point of completely egocentric in my endevours. It is understandable why I am alone, egocentric behaviour is good when the person is absorbed in their life and provides an expression of that which is interesting.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[tyme]

Hey @1bananaatatime ,

I can certainly relate. I spent years yearning for life. I was in despair, and like you, my eyes wandered to see the 'joys' of others. Until...

I realised it wasn't doing me any good. 

The more I looked, the more miserable I felt. From there, I made sure I never looked at any social media postings of people in my former life, people I went to school with, people I'd known.

Looking back, it was the best decision I'd every made.

Now, I hear that many people I knew are going through mid-life crises etc, I'm only just starting to live. 

Life couldn't be better. I feel I was just a 'late bloomer'. However, when it was my time to life, I did - and I'm doing it to the fullest.

Please don't compare yourself to others. 

Do what's right for you. We are all different. 

The 'joys' people post about is rarely what's really going.

I've known people who go on holidays costing over $100,000 each year. Yes, they've posted a few holiday snaps, but back home, there is arguing, there is hatred, there is unrest...

Be yourself, hun.

[Jen1102]

I feel this, completely. I’m a mum to three and feel so guilty that even having them is shrouded in guilt, sadness, abuse, loneliness, anxiety and depression. 

it feels like a constant uphill battle 

[tyme]

Hey @Jen1102 ,

Welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

I can certainly relate to feeling life is a uphill battle.

Are there things you can name that you are particularly struggling with?

Also, do you have supports you can reach out to?

[1bananaatatime]

i wish I knew what was right for me, you are lucky @tyme any tips on how to find yourself appreciated

my whole life I've tried. 25 years on from when I was diagnosed at 21, I am still the same, struggling, out of control, trying to figure out what is me. A continual beration of a ghostly shadow of living.

I can't be the only one without a happy ending. I don't even care that I don't, I just want to hear what other people do to cope with the feeling of never getting better? Or just that there is someone who is forever struggling?

Does anyone else feel perpetually stuck, circular in thought, uncontrollable with their reaction to life? 

[1bananaatatime]

I so feel this @Jen1102 @, I often think my daughter isn't even getting a person there for them. I feel guilty for the life I create for her and I do so much, yet hollow of me there with her. I'm not showing her what I know I don't have. How will she learn how to be complete?

[tyme]

Hey @1bananaatatime ,

I'm hearing you. You are really not alone. 

It took me 15 years to START my recovery. 

I don't have children, but I know that I missed out on part of my nephew's life because I was a terrible state when he was born. I didn't even see him for a long time. 

I think that once children come into the picture, recovery takes another level. A person is not longer A person, but there is baggage attached.

Hence, my recovery is different here. I 'escaped' life by moving states. I just packed up and left and didn't tell anyone. I wanted to get away from everything that was familiar to me. And I did. 

It went well at first, but then things crumbled. Only then, I realised that the problem was ME and me only.

Through a lot of therapy - individual and group, I learnt to live again. I learnt to step back and accept the things I knew I couldn't change. 

So this is still how I live today. When things get me down, I practice reframing and positive self talk to get me back on track.

Please know you are not alone. We are here for you.

[Alisse]

Hi @1bananaatatime 

Thank you for sharing your journey with your mental health and struggles.

Your story sounds so familiar to me.

I've led a life of waiting for the day when my mental health issues were not so overwhelming or my struggles with life, in general, were more manageable so that I could participate in the world and have the life I observe others around me enjoying so much.

I have felt great sadness seeing photos of my past as if I were looking at a stranger I had no connection to, I only resonated with their pain. 

I've learnt to focus on the small, simple things in my daily life that can bring me joy, even if only momentarily, an early morning walk as the sun rises, a pot of hot tea, the love of my animals and not look ahead to the future as I find it causes me anxiety and overwhelm.  

I find being in the moment is sometimes the most freeing feeling, it reduces my anxiety, and knowing that other people on this planet are also just doing the best they can to get through the day, is a comfort. 

I am not alone and neither are you. 

I hope you can be kind to yourself and take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your struggle but things can and do get better. 

Kindly Alisse