I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It’s really stressful! @Jynx. Just when she looks like she is going well she has a set back. But a set back isn’t actually ok. 

The hospital said I needed someone to stay overnight with me at home. But I want to be alone. Just don’t want to deal with anyone. 

Oh the memories.. it’s good to have all those memories but at a time like this it is hard as well. Being gentle sounds like a good idea. There is no timeline for grief and you just do what you need to to get through it all. I’m a listening shoulder if you need. I’m thinking of you. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 it would be so so hard to watch, I imagine you're in massive hypervigilance mode. Poor lil dear, give her some gentle belly rubs from me? 

Do you know what the concern is? Like is it more about you not being alone, or about watching for potential complications or some such? Whatever you end up doing, I hope it's the right choice for you 💜

Aww hun, this is so, so nice to hear. You're right, grief is not beholden to time - it takes as long as it takes. It's nice to know there's others who know what I'm going through. Thank you 🥹

You might enjoy this - my grandma used to pop this little wooden cat silhouette up on one of the light switches in every house I knew her in. So I did the same 😸

[Captain24]

Sorry.. I fell asleep. @Jynx 

She had lots of belly rubs and cuddles. I’m giving her lots of love hoping it helps her get better. I told her that these were from Jynx. It’s exhausting to keep watching her and stressful. I’m glad she wanted to sleep on my bed last night as I can hear her and feel her. 

I think it’s for safety after the anaesthetic. Apparently stuff can happen but I don’t know what. I’ll be asleep and so will they so I don’t see that it matters. But I guess my parents probably won’t give me a choice. At least it’s ten and I can go to bed whenever I want and don’t have to entertain them. 

Awwww… that’s so sweet. I feel like things like that keep her around. It’s a constant memory and it’s just like she would have done. Bless you… 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 sleep is goooood! Don't need to apologise for skipping off to dreamland 😋

Historically, do your parents act any differently when you're unwell? Like more caring/nurturing? 

If not, can you think of some gentle ways you could nurture yourself? Like making sure some of your comfort foods are available, setting up a cosy nook or something? When one of my mates was unwell, her partner made her bed into like a pillow fort haha strung up some sheets and fairy lights and a monitor so she could sit in the lil cubby-bed and watch her shows 😊

But yeah like, you're not hosting them, they're supposed to be there to look after you! I think it's so legit to not want or need to 'entertain' them!

Aww ty hun, and bless you as well for your warmth and kindness, it means the world 💜

[Captain24]

I was tired and I think not eating didn’t help. @Jynx. Might need to set an alarm for that too! 

Generally mum is a little more nurturing when I’m really sick. She will probably show care while I recover from the anaesthetic. She will also check in on how much pain I’m in. It’s actually really nice but at the same time it’s unnerving as it’s out of character.. if that makes any sense? 

It’ll probably be dad that stays so it’s pretty pointless. He’ll fall asleep on the lounge reading the paper, take over the tv and have it loud! Too much overload for me! 

Thats so cute.. how loving and caring! 

I don’t know what I can do to look after myself. Definitely a shower to wash off the shame, disgust and dirty feeling. Maybe I could just go to bed and try and read a book. It’s been quite a few months since I picked one up. I can’t read as I have to keep reading each paragraph several times because I forget that I’m reading and wonder off in my mind! Sound familiar??? 

Sometimes I can be caring and it comes natural and other times I’m just a cold hearted bitch. I think it depends on the person I think. You must be ‘a’ person because you got the ok side of me! I think that sounds horrible but it means that I care for you! 💚

[Jynx]

@Captain24 ahaha that's such a mood 😝

Legit that would be super jarring!! I think that very concept is something that came up in that book I've been yammering on about - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It's super destabilising cos it's like... sending the message that one is only worthy of love when one is unwell. So like, completely legit that it still leaves you feeling uncomfortable, you know? 

Hahaha yeaaaah sounds VERY familiar! I have been getting into audiobooks a bit lately, cos it's a different type of concentration. But wouldn't you know it, I still gotta rewind em all the time cos I miss stuff!! I was tempted to go out and buy a copy of the book I'm listening to so I can read along whilst listening! 🤣 Which is kinda what I did as a kid - whenever mum would read to me I'd insist on being able to see the page so I could follow along. Sensory processing disorder in action! If it helps me concentrate more, I'll let you know 😋

Nah doesn't sound horrible - to me it just sounds like classic attachment trauma. I too have had my moments of being a total a-hole!! Just remember that part of you that can be mean? It just wants to protect you, and it doesn't know any other ways to go about it. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it does mean that there's a part of you that wants to stand up for you!!

[Captain24]

I guess it’s the only worthy when sick @Jynx. It’s hard because I just don’t know how to respond when she shows care. It feels awkward! But then a friend might be coming next weekend if I’m not in pain and mum has suggested stuff to show her. One of them is a just under an hour away and then spend time there, my friend won’t want to leave, but I have the dogs and they can’t go so mum said she would look after them for me. 🤷‍♀️ 

Everyone listens to audiobooks and podcasts at work. I can’t do it as it’s the same thing, I get distracted. I can’t be singing along to the radio and nek minute it’s an hour later! That’s funny.. it’s worth a try though. Focus is not a strong point! At the start of every shift we have a meeting and it tells us where all the loading units are and where the stuff goes, eg tip head, coal bin… I forget to listen and then have no idea what is going on! These adhd meds aren’t helping with that!!!! 

I feel really bad when I’m horrible to most people. I feel hurt that I have hurt them but I just can’t stop myself. I do feel like a bad person, it makes me not a nice person. Sometimes I just get tired of people’s stuff when they won’t help themselves. No one can fix you other than yourself, yes you need support to be able to but it kinda needs to be a meet in the middle. Effort has to be made. That makes me not a nice person. I’m trying with my MH, trying to get better and then you see people at work that just won’t try anything. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I imagine it's similar to the feeling of being complimented? Like 'deer-in-headlights' oh lawd what do I dooooo kinda vibes. 

That's cool you've got a friend visiting!! Hope you get to have a nice lil adventure together!

Yepppp that's the auditory processing struggles in a nutshell! One of the 'reasonable adjustments' you can get is for instructions to be given in writing - but I imagine you haven't disclosed your ADHD to your workplace? Do you think they'd listen if you just said 'I struggle with auditory processing and it would help me immensely to get instructions in written form'? 

It's so tough hey, I can relate to that feeling of frustration spilling out, only to leave me swimming in regret. What I think is more important to focus on is that you regret it - that's what tells me you're not a bad person. If you were sat there telling me 'yeah I can be so nasty to people, it's funny and I enjoy it when they're hurting' then it's a different story! The fact that it hurts you to feel like you're being 'horrible' to people tells me more about your values than the fact you did it in the first place. 

[Captain24]

I hope I’m well enough for her to come. @Jynx. She is the one I went down and visited at Kiama. She doesn’t live there and I’m not going back! Just saying. There’s a few cool places around her for visitors. I really want to show a photo of one of the places but it gives away to much information. It’s a place that time forgot! 

Nah.. they won’t do that. It’s a 5-10 minute meeting. They do know I have ADHD as I had to declare the meds as they show up in drug tests! I just wing it. I go of where things were the day before and try and figure it out from there. I have had to ask a couple of times where I was going when I get lost! It’s quite funny actually. 

My mouth just runs off in its own. I do feel really bad though. On the odd time they do deserve it but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I actually have these two guys at work that refuse to speak to me. I actually don’t know what I did wrong to them but I can say hello or good morning and actually get nothing in return, not even a look of acknowledgment. So what do I do??? I make sure I speak to them everyday!!! That’s not nice but it feels good. 

What did you get up to today? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aww sounds awesome! I love places like that. The energy feels different, hey! Fingers crossed 🤞

You know you have a legal right to ask for reasonable adjustments to support your ADHD? You're in NSW right? Info here and here if you wanna look into it. I would say it's okay to pop this on the backburner for now tho - you got enough on your plate! As an interim solution, what if you used your voice memo/voice recording app on your phone to record the day's instructions, so you can just listen back if you missed anything? 

I reckon that...even though spite and pettiness aren't considered 'desirable' attributes, they have their uses. If it gives you a little boost and helps you deal with rude people, then I call that survival, not cruelty. Also, in my experience, treating rude people with gracious kindness...actually works wonders!! Even if there's a sliver of sarcasm in there hahaha