My Mosaic

[Jynx]

@Bow That's precisely the point I'm trying to get across: there's no such thing as 'too broken'. I am not being poetic either, neuroplasticity is a proven theory - your mind is NOT stuck this way, science says so! 

I do wanna hear this - because it is you expressing your feelings authentically. You're not bringing me down hun, you are actually releasing pent up emotions. How could I not want that for you? When I know for myself that one of the best ways I deal with my rumination is to externalise it! Please continue to do so, as long as it feels helpful for you 😊

That is definitely something to flag with her!! That you're feeling overwhelmed and like you somehow have to cram 7 weeks plus however long she's next away for into one session? I'd be panicking too!

Can we hop into the dirt together and make like we're at the beach and build dirt-castles over our legs? 

[Bow]

Can we make mud pies and fling them on the sides and wait see how long they take to fall @Jynx ? (Our country market is held on school grounds and in the toilets there is piles of wet loo paper on the ceiling…. I never did that at school, the worst I did was get caught with gum and got a detention to clean it off the under side of desks… but the teacher never showed). 

ruminate = is to stew over things?  It’s all very much on repeat inside my head. So much of it I really can’t share with people cause I’d be in trouble and people would be concerned. As much as I need to get it out it’s just stuck. 😢

wonder if sometimes it would be better to just have amnesia and not remember. Just not remember trauma and yuck stuff. Then I’d probably be screwed up some other way yeah? 

just not ok

no I’m not 

[Eve7]

Sending lots of love to you @Bow  and a squishy hug as well.

❤️😊🥰😊❤️

[Jynx]

@Bow ahaha yes lets!! 

Oh wow haha yes I was a good kid in school, all my rebellion occurred when I left home 😝 

I define it for myself as - venting = getting things off chest, ruminating is when venting becomes repetitive/stuck in thought loops. If you never do any venting though, then it's processing - unless it becomes cyclical or self-deprecating. Then it's rumination. 

That is just the Jynx definition idk what the consensus is elsewhere, lol 

Sounds like you need to vent - just remember that me editing your post isn't you being in trouble. And if for whatever reason I gotta block it, I will work with you via email to make sure you can express yourself. It's not you doing something wrong, it's just about keeping the community safe. 

Focus on the feelings - and also (TOTALLY optional) see if you can find spots where you can gently reframe the thoughts for yourself. I can help with that too. Hopefully in the next hour, or we can come back to it tomorrow. 

If you had amnesia, you wouldn't be our Bow anymore, and I would be sad 🥺

[Bow]

There is so much sad inside @Jynx  so much overwhelming sad. It makes me so low. It frustrates me that I can not be happy. That I can not find joy in things that I use to. I am angry at myself that my days are just wasting away. The weeks are gone. The months like it’s nearly august and we only got back from overseas last month?? My life is nothing. Nothing. I’m 42 on dsp living with my mum. But the sads. The deep sads. It hurts it’s painful. And I just want it over. I spend so much time thinking on. How do you stop it when it’s all you want?? I’m selfish I know I’m sorry 

[Jynx]

@Bow no one gets to define a 'happy and successful life' except you. And if I had had to deal with half the crap you have, I think being 42 and on dsp is a success - you have ensured you can meet yours and your daughter's basic needs and every day fighting an internal battle no one can see - yet you keep on fighting. Not only that, but you pour your incredibly beautiful soul into your art, and you make things for others because it feels good to give back to the community. 

You may not have ticked the pre-set boxes that capitalism gives us, but like... none of us here ever really stood a chance to anyway. None of us chose to go through trauma. You have the big sad for good reason. But maybe being angry at yourself for being traumatised is less helpful, do you reckon? 

This is reminding me of the parts work stuff I've been doing with my psych. Maybe tomorrow we can chat on it more, if you wanna hear one of my iconic rambles hehe. 

Hope you're on your way to being tucked into bed!! 😊💜

[Bow]

@Jynx  had another bad night. Like my meds just take ages and ages to work. I lay awake for ages just tossing and turning. I’m exhausted. But then I am managing to at least sleep late, which I normally wouldn’t be able to do. So that’s a win I guess. 

Why do you gotta always make sense of things??? 

I am still very much angry at myself though. A lot of what has happened is my own stupid fault. I very much contributed to it. 

I’m keen to hear about your parts work and hear one of your iconic but greatly appreciated rambled. 

[Jynx]

That is such a mood @Bow - often I find if I'm tossing and turning too much, then frustration sets in and then there's actually no point in continuing to try to sleep - my mind is too agitated. So will get up and read, scroll, or like pat the kitties or something for like an hour, then wait till my eyes get droopy. Works most of the time - just like, getting some of the restlessness out! 

Hmm I bet I had more thoughts last night... see how we go 😅

But essentially, one of the things about parts work is recognising that ALL of our parts are part of us, and all of them are worthy and deserving of acceptance and love - even the parts that we have 'exiled' for being too painful or for sabotaging us. 

So like, the 'ED monster' within you deserves to be held, heard, and accepted, and it deserves to feel safe and loved just as much as all of you does!! It doesn't necessarily realise that it is hurting you, because according to that part's experiences, it is just trying to protect you. 

It just creates a LOT of internal conflict when it's methods cause just as much pain as what it is trying to protect you from (and quite often it is trying to protect us from the possibility of pain, even where none exists). 

So like... maybe part of what is keeping you 'stuck' is that you are still rejecting and perhaps even actively hating a part of yourself that is probably just trying to protect you in the only ways it knows how. Maybe that ED part is actively protecting your hurt inner child, who was repressed from a young age... or maybe it thinks that if it 'succeeds' you will 'be happy' - but often these parts are too immature to realise that a) happiness is not some permanent nirvana state to achieve one day, and b) life is more complex and nuanced than that, and also, we aren't broken so there's nothing to 'fix'.

But yeah that self-rejection creates a lot of pain, a lot of internal conflict, and can keep us stuck in the cycle. 

Does this resonate with you at all hun? 

I was actually talking to @AuntGlow about IFS today, I wonder if she has any thoughts to add!! 

[Snowie]

Hi dear @Bow 

Just been catching up hon. I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment.

Sending lots of love and cuddles, wrapping you up 💕💕💕

[Bow]

I actually contemplated getting up last night and doing some cleaning @Jynx  cause that’s what I planned to do this morning so why not start then…. But I didn’t wanna wake anyone else up cause everyone was in bed….. and also…. I was nice and cosy and warm and I felt safe there in bed. Was concerned that if I did get up I might do something that I would regret. So stayed in bed and scrolled. 
been trying to understand I guess how this extremely low mood could be playing into my change in sleep patterns. 

Parts work…. Is it like chair work… schema therapy too? Cause yes I get it and it does resonate with me. Hmmm just reading what you shared again, maybe not like schema therapy? Cause in schema therapy there are parts that you most definitely kick out the door and slam it shut. You want them parts to quiet down. 

is IFS= internal family system? 

I was thinking the other day, where… how… this current decline in my mental health started. I think I often struggle to relate with other folks who have an eating disorder cause for the majority of folks… not all, but the majority, it’s something that develops in your teens. 
This wasn’t the case for me. Yeah I didn’t like my body much, but that’s it. I had so many things happening in my life (moving house and losing a lot of independence, divorce being in court and finalised, friends moving) and it all felt out of control. I suddenly figured out that controlling what I eat felt good. It was one of the only things I could control. Then I had the sense of achievement when I didn’t eat anything all day, and then I seen the quick weight loss. And next minute it all very quickly spirals out of control and I have a full blown ED and I add more behaviors. And yeah the shit hit the fan and life has fallen apart. 

gosh that was 5 years ago that all started.