Feeling sad - relationship issues

[StellaS]

I've been married for ten years this year. We have an eight year old and more recently got a puppy. I'm ADHD, probably AuDHD, and was diagnosed 3.5 years ago at 36.

Since my diagnosis my husband thinks I've given up. I've gained a lot of weight since having our daughter [edited by moderator], I don't take care of myself like I used to. I am disorganized and forgetful when it comes to daily household tasks and maintenance or organizing to get people in for jobs, crap at prioritizing tasks, will hyperfocus on my uni studies and am tired a lot.

I have always been super sensitive to people sleeping next to me, I prefer sleeping alone (my daughter doesn't bother me too much though and she sleeps with me). When we had our daughter, my husband and I started sleeping apart so he could sleep (I took care of everything to do with her care just about) and we've just never really gone back to sharing a bed. He resents this situation. He expects me to come up with a plan to get our daughter back into her bed. Every time we've tried in the past, it ends up with me doing the majority of bed times and it's incredibly draining. She has separation anxiety (and is probably ADHD). Something always ends up happening that means I give in after a week or two of trying.

I feel like I used to mask my AuDHD so  heavily that I didn't really have a sense of who I was. I knew parts but I would be so worried about keeping others comfortable that I had no idea what was me and what was masking anymore. I was exhausted and my mental health suffered trying to keep up. I think I ended up burning out after having my daughter, which is why I got my ADHD diagnosis.

So my husband feels like I don't do enough, he's ignored completely and has to be the adult (jumping in and getting in a huff when something he doesn't normally do needs doing). He can be mean and justifies it with how unhappy he is about what's going on in our household. He just told me that I wasn't like this when he married me and I've just fallen on my knees.

I don't think that's quite true. I feel like I do what I can. It's never enough though. He manages our finances and works full time. He'll do occasional household maintenance. He is a bit of a hermit and works from home, doesn't make too much effort to see people but will go out sometimes. He will jump in with making meals, grocery shopping and doing school errands when he has to otherwise it defaults to me. I study full time, do a lot of the caring for our kid, make sure we have food for meals most of the time (though this can slip some days), make sure the house is tidy for the cleaners, do the majority of school stuff for our kid and have friends that I like to see.

I feel like I'm just not doing a good enough job, ever. I hate my disorganization and forgetfulness. I hate being resented for it.

[Friendlyflutter]

Hi there @StellaS,

We wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the forums.

We hope that you find the forums a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve.

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It seems like a tricky place for you to be in, especially after the diagnosis. What are your partner's thoughts about your diagnosis? 

FirendlyFlutter

[tyme]

Hi there @StellaS ,

Thank you for posting and sharing what's been going on for you. It sounds like there's a lot to contend with and you feel burnout. 

I'm hearing how draining this must be for you, especially where there are expectations that simply can't be met.

In a way, your husband is probably right in that you weren't the person he married. This is because you have a child in the midst and children change us. It's quite normal that you've had to make accommodations for your child, and thus it would be unreasonable to have things as they were in the past.

At the same time, good on you for being able to reflect on what is and isn't working for you. Do you have a professional you can speak to about your relationship as well as your child's possibly anxiety?

Does medication help with some of the ADHD?

Please know we can all go through times of being burnout and stressed. 

I hope you husband can see through what is happening to know that you are trying your best. Parenthood is a full time job. On top of that, you have uni. That's 2 full time jobs!

Tell yourself you ARE doing your best and that's all that anyone can ask of you!

You are not alone.

I look forward to hearing from you.

[MermaidHair]

Hey @StellaS welcome to the forums, I'm glad you're here.

Firstly I'm sending you a big hug! It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure from yourself to do the best you can for your daughter, husband and yourself and you're feeling like it's not good enough, particularly for your husband. It sounds like a lot, I really feel for you 💜

Relationships and childrearing can be challenging even at the best of times, with your diagnosis you face extra challenges and barriers, I wonder if your husband might need some support to understand this?

Have you been able to confide in your friends about what you're going trough? And out of curiosity, what are you studying? I'm also a studying mum 🙂

[Jasper_123]

Hi @StellaS , ahhhh the ol' combo diagnosis! My primary diagnosis is autism but I often suspect the combo for myself. 

Have you considered what you want in terms of sleeping arrangements? I think sometimes people hint at what they want through however they can - your husband might be trying to indicate that he misses you?

Have you received help for your ADHD? Have you looked into resources on how to manage it better? 

[Asgard]

Hi @StellaS 

So glad you have found your way here as the people on here are a treasure trove of good advice which I have utilised yourself.  It certainly sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and it can get too much at times.  I was wondering if you have investigated the option of couples counselling, its a great way of opening up to each other in how you really feel.

You have been married for 10 years, congratulations on that, that to me tells me that there are still sparks there that keep you together.  I do think your husband has a point, he would like to sleep with his wife and you can't blame him for that.  However marriages are partnerships so trying to get your daughter to sleep by herself should be a shared task.

Just wondering if your husband understands your diagnosis and what that entails.  Have you ever really talked about it, about your fears and what you would like your marriage to look like.  I really think couples counselling would be a first step in laying all your cards on the table.  Not sure if any of the above helps but I feel for you and hope things get better.