Partner with bipolar and persecutory delusions

[NapoleonDynamit]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out because I feel really lost and anxious, and I could use some perspective from others who’ve been here.

My wife was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a psychotic episode last year. She’s about 5 weeks into medication now. While her sleep has improved, her persecutory beliefs about me seem to be getting stronger, not weaker.

She sometimes tells me she has “dark thoughts” about me — that I might be trying to harm her, monitor her, or that I’m untrustworthy. At other times she’ll say things like “you want me dead” or “I wish I could just die.” When I express concern about her safety, she minimises it or says she’s always felt suicidal, which leaves me unsure what’s serious and what isn’t.

Day-to-day, she’ll accept practical support (me cooking, helping with the kids, sorting logistics), but she ignores or shuts down when I reach out emotionally. Love texts, goodnight messages, or bids for closeness usually go unanswered. It feels like she’s treating me as both the “enemy” and the helper at the same time, which is incredibly confusing and painful.

What’s especially hard is that she’s also pushing for big, life-changing decisions that seem to come directly out of these persecutory thoughts — things like long-term separation, financial disentangling, and pulling away from our marriage. At the same time, she says she doesn’t want a divorce. It feels like she’s externalising everything onto me and trying to “remove” me as the problem, when I know the illness is driving this.

I know this is the illness talking, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and waiting for the axe to drop. I’m trying to be steady, not push for big conversations, and just keep our home as calm as I can for her and the kids. But I feel very anxious, very lonely, and very unsure how long I can hold all this without breaking down myself.

Has anyone else been the target of persecutory delusions in a marriage or partnership?

How did you cope with being treated with suspicion by the person you love?

Did things get better as the medication settled in?

Any advice or even just knowing I’m not alone in this would mean a lot.

[rav3n]

hi there @NapoleonDynamit, welcome to the forums!

that's a challenging spot to be in, and i can see that it's been a rough time for both you and your wife. it makes sense why you'd be confused, and i reckon a part of her is feeling confused too. i don't have lived experience in this but i did want to pop in to say i hear you, and that we're here for you.

i know that other members in the forums community have experienced similar situations with their loved ones too, you're not alone. i am curious to know, is your wife currently seeing a psychologist/therapist to work through those 'dark thoughts'?

[rav3n]

it is good to hear that she's visiting a psychologist, but i do see that her removing you from communicating with her support team can be concerning and tricky too @NapoleonDynamit. 

do you know what sparked her thoughts around the mistrust? are there people that she does trust (friends, other family members, etc) who can perhaps encourage her to open up to her psych and/or slowly trust you again?

i also wanted to link this site in, Supporting someone with bipolar disorder, that may be helpful in supporting your wife. here's a small excerpt from the link: 

Focus on supporting them with how they’re feeling, rather than confirming or challenging their reality. Let them know that, although you don't share the belief, you understand that it feels real for them.

also please take care of yourself too! i hope you have supports for yourself (whether it's chatting to friends, doing your self-care, talking to your own therapist, or even being here with the forums community) - taking care of loved ones can be a lot and you deserve to recharge and feel supported too.

p.s. a forums tip: you can tag members using the @ symbol and typing out the username. like this @NapoleonDynamit - this ensures the member you're replying to gets notified of your response 😊

[Lapis_Anteater]

Hello @NapoleonDynamit 

I’m really sorry to hear you are going through this. It is a lot to deal with. I can only speak from my experience as someone who has bipolar with psychosis and persecutory delusions. I found it really hard to see reason and to not believe other people when they say my beliefs aren’t true. It felt like they were on the side of the people I believed were trying to harm me. I found that once my mood settled the delusions also settled. However, even when well, I still don’t like people telling me the beliefs I had were ridiculous.  

Medication was really helpful. It does take a while to work unfortunately. I also found staying in hospital to be easier than trying to manage at home especially when I thought people were trying to harm me. That might be another option. It can definitely be hard to open up to a psychologist if you believe everyone is out to get you. Therapy just generally also requires time. In the meantime, if you can, try to reassure your wife that you are on her side. I hope she will be able to recognise that soon.

Do you have your own support? I’ve seen how much the people around me struggled with my delusions. You are definitely not alone. Seeing your own therapist/psychologist may be helpful.