Living with Loneliness

[tyme]

Hey @Glisten ,

There was a call out before. Our researcher has collated the feedback from the callout and has looked at themes and trends. This is being used to inform our co-design.

But yes, I'll also take note of @Messylife 's feedback to take back to them!

[Messylife]

@Glisten I would not of thought an online game room would be the place to hook up. I was naive about that. Many people are like me and pop in for a game during a work break. Certainly not the time for hook ups. I mostly say hello, good bye, good luck, and thanks for playing. In the past people would meet up in a bar or club and hang with friends or chat to strangers, flirt perhaps and connect. That was how people met and dated.
The art of light banter or conversation is dieing and that makes us lonely.

[Rollon]

Oh that is so true. When you are surrounded by your own family the loneliness can be agonising. They have no idea what I am dealing with and seem to ignore let alone even talk to me about it.

[Raabie123]

1. What does loneliness look like for you?
   1. Not knowing how to engage friends to do something or facing the emotion wall and overwhelm.
   2. AuDHD stuff in general.
   3. Being terrified of long weekends as I wouldn’t see people I see regularly, or see anyone (not anymore).
   4. Not knowing how to act/talk to friends in social settings.
   5. Masking, too scared to say something stupid or be too energetic about a topic.
   6. Rarely catching up with people and not knowing the impact this has on me.
   7. Not being aware of things outside my immediate vicinity until it’s been too long and apparently lose friends from that.
   8. Not having family that are supportive or capable of being supportive.
   9. Overwhelm and shutting down. Just working till burnout.
   10. Self worth tied to external things like work and people’s demeanour towards me.
2. How does loneliness feel and how does it impact your wellbeing?
   1. like you are outside and no one is interested in being near you and it feels like everyone else is happy together and really connected. I know this isn’t true (I used to think it was).
   2. Feeling rejected even when not, over the smallest misinterpretations of events.
3. Are the periods of the day or year when loneliness is harder to manage?
   1. I don’t know. Anytime. Maybe low energy times like early afternoon.
4. What have you done to manage loneliness, do you have tips for others?
   1. Ended up here while trying to figure out how I might get help in being more social. Watch a lot of instagram from others in a similar boat.
   2. I have been on a course, Plan to Succeed, for people with ADHD. My pod (catchup group) is sometimes a little hard to talk to. Some don’t seem to have practiced mindfulness/awareness as much, so I’m understanding of that.
      1. i think doing courses where you can at least see people online, like zoom, help a lot. You already have something to do and talk about.
   3. i invited 3 friends around my house last year. Then I visited one of them at their apartment with others. Meds help me not want to shrivel into a little ball and disappear.
      1. recently learnt that the reason you offer people drinks is not out of worry they aren’t hydrated enough, but to help them feel comfortable by having something to hold 
      2. just learnt that the point of small talk is to find things in common.
      3. watching instagram reels of people in similar siutations can be useful but also hard to stop scrolling and go do something productive
   4. I have bunnies now. Pets help you understand more about other humans. Bunny people and human people have a lot in common.
      1. bunnies can be a lot of work
   5. Therapy, CBT, DBT, reading self help books like The Happiness Trap, practicing mindfulness, whiteboard reminders on being kind to myself and thinking about other’s happiness.
   6. not equating being alone to being lonely.
   7. smiling to myself and believing something wonderful is always about to happen, but not needing anything to happen
   8. stopped using words like need to, should, etc. Stop creating expectations on myself and stop comparing myself to others.

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @Raabie123 . I found your responses very insightful.

I really enjoy reading The Happiness Trap and often refer back to it. Have you seen Dr Russ Harris' youtube clips? The metaphors he uses are great. Here's one link and you can look at the others: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv6HkipQcfA

Also, if you like groups, I wonder if you'd be interested in participating SANE's Guided Service? However the first thing is to check if you are eligible (postcode dependent). This is a free service that provides both 1:1 and groups via telehealth. https://www.sane.org/referral#registering-myself

By connecting on the forums, I hope you feel less alone in your journey.

I look forward to hearing from you.

tyme

[Raabie123]

Thanks, I did apply and I checked out some of Dr Harris’s videos. Much nicer than how I read the book 😊.

[Doldip15]

For me, loneliness has been a part of my life since the orphanage when I was 3 years old! No comforting adult, no comforts in life at all! I learnt to daydream and as an adult, came to respect that day dreams saved my sanity by taking me out of cruel reality. I had one friend at school maybe but as I learned not to talk In orphanage- very unsafe to open your mouth- the one friend at school was a companion in silence!! Loneliness compounds I’ve found! Here I am in old age desperate for a friend! What does the world’s longest study into quality relationships tell us? They are dependent on the quality of our closest relationships! Had a good cry over that one! I have given my working life to helping and supporting others but am I so harmed that I wouldn’t recognise the same gifts offered to me! 

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @Doldip15 ,

I certainly hope you find people you can connect with her on the forums. You deserve to feel loved, cared and connected with the world.

I can relate to what you are saying about daydreaming as a way to protect yourself. That is so so true. I remember I did it a lot in the depths of my darkest times.

Yet using these forums has enabled me to practice my social skills so that I can use them in real life. 

Please feel free to tag me into your posts e.g. @tyme  . That way, I can get a notification of your posts.

See you around!

[Doldip15]

Thanks Thyme! That was heartening to read. I am not confident with tags and things but will try! @Thyme 

[Josie72]

I think you really hit the nail on the head with the first sentence “Feelings of loneliness occur when there is a mismatch between the amount of meaningful social connection we want and the amount we have”

What does loneliness look like for you?

I’ve always felt disconnected and out of step with the world, including my family. I always craved that connection from as young as I can remember and often tried to get it in destructive ways.

It was at its worst when I had been a single mum for a few years, my MH really flared when I became single. I developed some new friends - other single parent friends but like so much in my life the group and the friendships disintegrated at the same time as my kids father moving away with no plans to see the kids. I kept trying to build the connections but it never worked. It never filled the void.

I kept thinking if only I could meet the right person. That special someone.

How does loneliness feel and how does it impact your wellbeing?

It feels like a void. A hole in my being. A complete emptiness. That matched in and fed the depression, triggered my BPD, which I didn’t know at the time and later contributed to creating anxiety.

The effect of it all was various strategies to fill the hole - sex, food and alcohol.

Are the periods of the day or year when loneliness is harder to manage?

Bedtime, Birthday, Christmas!

What have you done to manage loneliness, do you have tips for others?

When I was diagnosed with BPD I completed DBT. DBT taught me skills and strategies to manage life.

One strategy is Radical Acceptance. One of my favourites. It’s about literally “Radically” accepting. Accepting whatever is causing you pain whether that be a person, a situation, a feeling, who you are, anything. With the knowledge that you can only control yourself.

One of the many things that I accepted was that I was who I was and I could work on changing the things I did not like about myself and my situation or did not work for me. Part of that was then accepting that I may never find that one special person which meant I had to accept being alone. To accept being alone meant I had to accept feeling lonely. So I embraced it. I embrace being alone. That meant I had to learn to be comfortable with myself, comfortable doing things on my own. I worked towards that goal. I self analysed. Picked out things I didn’t like or didn’t work for me and made changes. Picked out things I liked and did work for me and focused on improving, enhancing them.

I accepted that people would leave. It hurt but I had to accept that too. I couldn’t stop them leaving, I couldn’t stop being hurt. All I could do was accept it and keep working on me, building a life that I would be happy with. Piece by piece. Many small steps, many failures and falls but also many successes, even just getting up after every failure and continuing I measured as a success.

At some point of self reflection, I checked in with myself and realised I hadn’t felt lonely for some time. It was so incredibly empowering with all the other work I did at the same time. It comes under the umbrella of ‘loving yourself’ but it was a long journey of to achieve through many smaller goals. I always hated when people would tell me “you just have to love yourself” and I would respond “how” they never had an answer but I figured it out on my own!

Then my mom passed away (mid 2023) and that sense of loneliness was so much bigger than before that I defined it as “absolute loneliness” to distinguish it from what I had felt before. It was because no matter what, my mum had stood by me. She was the only person that had stood by me through it all. Everyone else left, with no exception.

That feeling sent me into a tail spin back into the abyss of depression and anxiety. It was terrifying to be thrown back after 15 plus years of hard work. I turned to grief counselling to help me separate the grief from Depression/anxiety and to help me work through it all. I also turned to Sane, these forums and the counselling support. It’s helping. I’m no longer in the darkness. I’m further down the path than what I was before losing my mum. The loneliness is still there but smaller. It will take time and work to accept and work through all my feelings but I’m getting there and I know that I will be even better as I continue this journey