Lived Experience Forum

[cozy_726]

Tw: self harm and suicide

I am safe.

I have a assignment due tomorrow night. I've been stuck on a question or questions for quite a while now, since yesterday. I've got 3 monitors, all of them with 20+ tabs each maybe even more just trying to search through youtube, stack overflow and other forums and tutorial websites for a solution. I've tried so many things nothing worked. I've been in contact with my lab tutor since around 2PM today, nothing he suggested works, or maybe I don't fully understand it or how to implement it. With everything being a dead end, I feel so defeated. This assignment is worth 40% of my total subject mark. It's driven me crazy, yesterday I was feeling strong self harm thoughts, I ended up drawing on my hand with my pen to cope and it helped get over the wave of emotions. Today I was screaming, and grabbing onto my hair, and as it seemed like a dead end no matter what email I sent or what solution or anything I typed. I had thoughts of ending it because I thought that I was a failure for not being able to understand the questions, I felt so dumb.

I've gone through all the material, over and over again. Maybe I'm missing something, but it all seems like a dead end. I just feel helpless because I don"t think there is anything else I can do to try and solve the problem.

At the moment I don't know how to feel, my body is just exhausted. My mind is numb after the emotional rollercoaster I went through today just because of this assignment. Im just dreading tomorrow. I wish uni was over already. Realistically I'll have yet another semester and yet the possibility of my dad yelling at me and stuff, saying to study harder, you shouldnt be doing this or doing that. Which I guess some of it is fair, but i just feel emotionless right now.

[cozy_726]

I took a shower, thats probably why I feel so calm right now tbh. A nice warm shower.

[cozy_726]

My lab tutor just emailed me asking to see me tomorrow for a consultation as he says its hard to do it via email. So thats a good update for today.

[tyme]

I wonder if your body is telling you to have a bit of a break and come back to it later? @cozy_726 

I recognise many others have been through something similar where there is this mental 'block' so to speak. 

@Birdofparadise8 @creative_writer are also at uni and may have some strategies to share.

[creative_writer]

@cozy_726 I find breaking it down helps. Taking regular breaks, making sure you’re eating adequately and drinking enough water. I also apply for extensions if I feel like I can’t get everything done, my doctor just says I have a medical condition but does not specify

[Eve7]

Hey @cozy_726 I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I often do too when doing Uni assignments. If this is worth 40% of your grade, then how are you going in the other 60%? I try to make the little quizzes count and if I can get mostly HD in those then it takes the pressure off the assignments.

As they say "Ps still get degrees" so don't sweat the seemingly impossible and aim to do really well in what you can control. Annoy your tutors until they answer your questions. Have a coffee, chat to a friend and then get back to it. I have had a sh*^t of a day and got no Uni work done but I'll try again tomorrow.

What are you studying?

[cozy_726]

Tw self harm

Feeling like a failure right now

When I look at the work and all that on my screen, I look to my arm and just get the strong urge to self harm. I guess as a way to punish myself. Makes me feel a bit idk

But continuing to be unable to do the tasks just makes me feel worse and worse.

[tyme]

Hey @cozy_726 ,

Sounds tough. Yet I can totally relate.

I found myself in a similar place not so long ago. Self-harm became a go-to and an addiction. The more I tried to not do it, the more I turned to it.

Ultimately, it was working with the emotions and pain driving the self-harm as opposed to focusing only on the self-harm and expecting it to disappear.

Do you have someone you can talk to to work through what's driving the self-harm?

You are not alone. It's a path many have been on.

Here for you.

[cozy_726]

I think its just the anxiety and stress of failure, like feeling helpless, useless and a burden.

I've just submitted a request to see someone at my uni that deals in mental health, so hopefully I'll be able to get help soon.

[cozy_726]

Tw self harm, suicide

Suicide part: Im okay

After speaking with my dad to ask to pray, I spoke to him about what was going on, and he just said if you get pass its a pass

Ended up feeling like a total failure for not being able to answer the questions despite the amount of work and effort I put in, became instantly suicidal and just had an emotional breakdown, ended up self harming to punish myself for being a failure and everything

This is my only way of coping at the moment to both get myself under control and make sure I do more uni work.