Thanks for your post @Andrab .

I can see why you feel slightly upset with what has happened. You have every right to feel upset. It is perfectly okay.

From your daughter's perspective, I can see her having battled all day - wanting to go so she won't disappoint you all, yet at the end, her feelings took over. I'm sure she would have felt exhausted by the end of the day. In a borderline's mind, there is always a yes-no, good-evil, black-white battle going on. It is draining.

Moving forward, I agree with you that she could have told you sooner, however, if she told you a day earlier or in the morning, would it have changed your preparations? This is not a question to answer, but more to reflect on.

When you are not emotionally tied to what has happened and your daughter has also rested up, it would be good to bring this up. Acknowledge how she may have been feeling (sick, tired) then tell her how you felt when she told you 30mins prior. Eg "I was looking forward to having you with us. I know you had a headache and was probably exhausted. I did feel a bit disappointed when you couldn't come and message me 30 mins before. Were you anxious about coming?" Depending on how this goes, you can speak to her about telling your earlier next time. 

Main thing, don't bring this up when either of you are upset because it hurts more and may come out in the wrong way. Perhaps give it a few days? Always acknowledge/validate how she may have been feeling at the time to cause her to not come.

I remember the times when I was perfectly ok in a situation, then one small thing would cause me to pull back at the last minute. Situations became so overwhelming that I emotionally could not face it. It's as though someone was scratching through my very thin emotional skin. The pain is immense.

@Andrab , you have every right to feel upset. I think it's good for your daughter to know how you felt. It's about HOW you tell her and WHEN you tell her.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor